The third of the basic human needs that receives surprisingly little attention is the need to feel useful.

We often speak about success, achievement, productivity, and accomplishment. Entire industries are built around helping people become more effective. Yet beneath all of that is something simpler and more fundamental. Most people want to know that their presence matters. They want to feel that what they do contributes something of value to the people and communities around them.

Conversations about usefulness can easily become tangled with questions of worth. Many people quietly carry the belief that they are valuable only when they are producing, fixing problems, caring for others, or meeting expectations. When usefulness becomes tied to self-worth, it often turns into a burden rather than a source of fulfillment.

That is not the kind of usefulness I am talking about.

The experience of feeling useful begins with contribution. It arises when we recognize that our actions, abilities, insights, or presence positively affect something beyond ourselves. Sometimes that contribution is large and visible. More often, it is small and easily overlooked.

A kind word offered at the right moment can change someone’s day. A thoughtful question can help another person find clarity. A shared skill can solve a problem. Even simple reliability can become a gift to a family, a workplace, or a community.

The need to feel useful seems deeply connected to our nature as social beings. Human beings rarely thrive in complete isolation. We develop ourselves in relationship with others, and part of that development involves discovering how we can contribute. We want to know that we are not merely taking up space. We want to know that our presence adds something.

When that need is met, something important comes alive within us.

People often become more engaged, more creative, and more willing to participate when they feel their contributions matter. Energy that might otherwise be spent defending, proving, or comparing can be directed toward creating, helping, and building. A sense of connection grows naturally because contribution strengthens the bonds between people.

When that need is not met, the effects can be surprisingly significant.

A person may be surrounded by others and still feel disconnected if they believe they have nothing meaningful to offer. They may withdraw, become discouraged, or lose motivation. Sometimes the problem is not a lack of ability. The problem is that they cannot see where their abilities fit or how their contributions matter.

I have seen this happen during periods of major life transition. Retirement, job loss, illness, relocation, and other significant changes can disrupt familiar ways of contributing. People who once felt needed may suddenly question their place. The challenge is not merely finding something to do. It is rediscovering how they can participate in a meaningful way.

One of the difficulties is that our culture often narrows the definition of usefulness. Economic value tends to receive the most attention. If an activity generates income, produces measurable results, or creates visible success, it is considered useful. Other forms of contribution are frequently overlooked.

Yet some of the most important contributions in our lives cannot be measured that way.

Listening to a friend during a difficult time is useful. Encouraging a child is useful. Caring for an aging parent is useful. Preserving knowledge, sharing wisdom, creating beauty, mentoring others, and strengthening community are all forms of contribution. Their value may not appear on a spreadsheet, but their impact can last for generations.

Perhaps this is why usefulness is so closely connected to meaning.

Meaning often emerges when we recognize that our lives participate in something larger than our individual concerns. We discover that our actions ripple outward. We begin to see that what we do affects others, sometimes in ways we never fully understand.

The question then becomes less about proving our value and more about discovering our place.

What gifts, skills, experiences, or perspectives do we carry that can serve others? Where are we naturally drawn to contribute? What communities, relationships, or causes call forth our participation?

The answers are different for each person.

Some people contribute through leadership. Others contribute through quiet support. Some teach. Some build. Some heal. Some organize. Some create beauty. Some simply bring steadiness and presence wherever they go.

None of these roles is inherently more important than another.

Healthy communities depend upon many forms of contribution working together. The visible roles often receive the most recognition, but countless unseen acts of service make those visible roles possible. Every thriving family, organization, and community rests upon contributions that are rarely celebrated.

We build it through participation, contribution, reliability, encouragement, service, and presence. Every act that strengthens connection adds something to the whole. Many of these contributions are small enough to go unnoticed, yet communities depend upon them.

It is meaningful that the same community we help build becomes available to support us when we need it. There are seasons when we are able to contribute more, and seasons when we require more support. Healthy communities make room for both.

Perhaps this is one reason feeling useful matters so deeply. It is not simply about helping others. It is about participating in a network of mutual support where giving and receiving both have a place.

When we contribute to the well-being of others, we strengthen the very community we may someday need to lean into ourselves.

This realization can be freeing.

We do not have to become extraordinary in order to be useful. We do not have to change the world to contribute meaningfully to it. The opportunity to be useful appears every day through ordinary acts of participation.

A conversation. A kindness. A skill shared. A responsibility fulfilled. A burden carried alongside another person.

These moments may seem small, yet they are often where usefulness is experienced most directly.

Perhaps feeling useful is ultimately the recognition that our lives are connected. We affect one another. We support one another. We participate in something larger than ourselves.

When we know that our presence contributes to the well-being of others, even in modest ways, a deep human need is fulfilled.

We discover that we belong not only because we are accepted, but because we have something meaningful to give.

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Most people understand the desire to be heard, yet we often think of it primarily as a communication issue. We imagine that feeling heard means someone listened to our words, agreed with our perspective, or accepted our conclusions. While those things can be meaningful, they do not fully capture what most people are seeking.

You may have noticed that people can agree with you completely and still leave you feeling unheard. You may have also noticed that someone can disagree with you entirely while leaving you with a deep sense of being understood. The difference has little to do with agreement and much to do with recognition.

At a deeper level, feeling heard is the experience of being genuinely received by another person. It is the sense that our thoughts, feelings, concerns, hopes, and perceptions have reached someone who is willing to understand them. Agreement may follow or it may not. Recognition comes first.

Something important happens when another person truly understands what we are trying to communicate. The need to defend ourselves often softens. The urge to repeat ourselves begins to fade. We no longer feel responsible for carrying the entire burden of being understood.

Disagreements May Not Be About The Problem

Conflicts often continue long after the facts have become clear. People continue explaining themselves, not because the information is missing, but because something deeper is still seeking acknowledgment. Beneath the words is often a simple request: “Please understand why this matters to me.”

Many disagreements are not actually about solving a problem. They are about recognition. We want to know that our experience exists within another person’s awareness and that it has been received with care.

This need runs deeper than many people realize. Human beings are relational creatures. We do not simply exchange information with one another. We share experiences, meanings, hopes, disappointments, fears, and dreams. Feeling heard helps us know that those inner experiences matter.

When people feel heard, trust tends to deepen. We become more willing to share what we are thinking and feeling because experience has taught us that doing so is worthwhile. The relationship begins to feel like a place where more of us can appear.

In many ways, feeling heard builds upon the foundation of safety. Safety allows us to remain present. Feeling heard allows us to reveal ourselves. Together they create conditions in which connection can grow.

The opposite experience can be surprisingly painful. Few things create loneliness more quickly than the repeated experience of feeling ignored, dismissed, interrupted, judged, or misunderstood. Most of us have encountered moments when it seemed that our words reached another person’s ears but never truly reached their awareness.

I have noticed that people often respond to this experience by becoming smaller within the relationship. They share less. They risk less. They become more selective about which parts of themselves they allow others to see.

At first, these adjustments can be subtle. A concern remains unspoken. A dream stays private. A feeling is set aside because it seems unlikely to be understood. Over time, entire portions of a person’s experience may disappear from the conversation.

Relationships can only include what is allowed to appear within them. When significant parts of ourselves remain hidden, the relationship continues, but it is relating to a smaller version of who we are. Connection becomes more limited because presence has become more limited.

This is one reason authenticity and feeling heard are so closely connected. Most people do not reveal themselves all at once. We tend to do so gradually, one small step at a time.

A thought is shared. A feeling follows. Eventually, a hope, fear, disappointment, or deeply held belief appears. Each disclosure is a small act of trust. Each one asks whether this part of me is welcome here.

When those disclosures are received respectfully, authenticity tends to expand. We become more comfortable allowing ourselves to be seen. The relationship gains access to more of who we are.

When disclosures are repeatedly dismissed or ridiculed, authenticity often contracts. We learn which parts of ourselves seem acceptable and which seem risky. Many of the masks we wear begin as adaptations to environments where being heard did not feel possible.

Listening Is Not Passive

Listening is often described as a passive activity. In practice, it is anything but passive. Genuine listening requires attention, curiosity, patience, and presence.

Most of us have been conditioned to prepare our response while another person is still speaking. We compare their experience to our own, search for advice, gather evidence, or begin constructing an argument. While understandable, these habits often move us away from understanding and toward managing the conversation.

Listening asks something different of us. For a brief period, we set aside the need to fix, correct, persuade, defend, or explain. We become interested in understanding another person’s experience as they are describing it rather than as we assume it to be.

That distinction seems small.

It is not.

Listening To Understand

The difference between listening to understand and listening to respond can transform an entire conversation. One creates connection. The other often creates competition for whose perspective will prevail.

Understanding does not require agreement. This is another distinction that seems increasingly important. We can understand another person’s experience without sharing their conclusions, and we can respect their humanity without adopting their perspective.

In a world that often encourages people to choose sides quickly, the ability to understand without immediately agreeing or disagreeing may be one of the most valuable relational skills we can develop. It allows curiosity to remain present where judgment might otherwise take over.

There is one final aspect of feeling heard that has become increasingly important to me. Many people spend years seeking recognition from others while rarely offering it to themselves.

Hearing Ourselves

We dismiss our feelings. We question our perceptions. We override our needs and ignore our own knowing. In doing so, we create internally the same experience that feels so painful when it comes from someone else.

Learning to listen to ourselves changes something important. It does not remove our desire for meaningful relationships, nor should it. Being understood by others remains one of life’s great gifts.

Yet something becomes steadier when we learn to acknowledge our own experience honestly. Our sense of worth becomes less dependent upon whether others validate what we already know to be true. We stop abandoning ourselves while waiting for someone else to recognize us.

Perhaps this is why feeling heard remains such a fundamental human need. We are not merely seeking the exchange of information. We are seeking connection. We want to know that our lives touch the awareness of others and that what we experience matters.

When we offer that gift to another person, we help create a relationship in which both people can become more fully themselves. That is where connection deepens. That is where trust grows. And that is where relationships become truly alive.

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The award-winning Spirit Paths: The Quest for Authenticity, by Gerry C Starnes, offers more insights about the Journey of Personal Evolution.
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Contributing Editor: Stephanie Reynolds, Ph.D.
Image credits: (top) Cottonbro Studio; (bottom) Mikhail Nilov, Los Angeles, CA, USA.

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Safety often seems so obvious that we overlook it. We assume it is simply the absence of danger. We think of safety in terms of shelter, food, clothing, security, and protection from harm. Those things matter. When basic needs are not met, much of our attention naturally turns toward survival. It is difficult to focus on growth, learning, creativity, or connection when we are worried about making it through the day.

Yet safety extends far beyond physical survival. We can be in a space that is free of overt threat, and yet not feel safe.

Many of the struggles people experience in relationships, personal growth, and spiritual development can be traced to this same fundamental need. We may have a roof over our heads and food on the table, yet still feel unsafe in ways that deeply affect how we live.

We often speak of feeling safe in relationship, but what does that actually mean?

Safety Is Not About Agreement

For me, it points toward a felt sense that I can be myself without constantly needing to protect or defend who I am. I can speak honestly. I can ask questions. I can make mistakes. I can reveal uncertainty. I do not have to carefully manage every word or action in anticipation of criticism, rejection, humiliation, or attack.

This does not mean that everyone agrees with me. It does not mean that conflict never occurs. It does not mean that I always get what I want.

Safety and agreement are not the same thing.

In fact, some of the safest relationships I have known included significant disagreement. What made them feel safe was the shared understanding that disagreement would not threaten the relationship itself. Both of us, as partners, remained committed to understanding rather than winning.

When we do not feel safe, something different happens: our attention narrows.

When we feel unsafe, even when we are perfectly, demonstrably, physically safe, we become more vigilant. We watch for signs of danger. We become increasingly focused on managing risk and avoiding pain. We may withhold parts of ourselves. We become cautious about what we say, what we reveal, and how much of our authentic experience we allow others to see.

Most of this happens automatically as our mind and body try to protect us. The challenge is that protection comes at a cost. Energy devoted to self-protection is energy unavailable for growth. You have probably noticed that when you do not feel safe in your situation or partnership that at the very least:

• Curiosity begins to fade.

• Creativity becomes constrained.

• Playfulness disappears.

• Authenticity becomes difficult.

Many people have experienced this dynamic in an unsupportive relationship. The relationship may not be openly abusive. There may be no obvious conflict. Yet a person gradually learns that honesty leads to criticism, vulnerability leads to discomfort, or personal growth is subtly discouraged.

As a result, they begin shrinking parts of themselves in order to maintain stability. And that pulling back is both a symptom of and cause of the erosion of trust, which in turn may destroy the relationship.

Trust Begins With Safety

People often think of trust as a decision. Sometimes it is. More often, trust develops through experience. It is true that trust is not given; it is earned. It is earned through small actions that accumulate over time – small actions that support the possibility that you are safe.

• I reveal something true about myself.

• The other person receives it respectfully.

• Nothing terrible happens.

• A little more trust develops.

With consistency in these small steps, the relationship becomes a place where honesty feels increasingly possible. Honesty and reliability create and support a mutual sense of safety. Trust grows because safety has been demonstrated repeatedly.

That ongoing honesty, reliability, and consistency offers the potential to create a safe enough space to relax the sense of hyper-vigilance and rest into the relationship.

In this sense, trust is built less through promises than through experience.

The same principle applies to our relationship with ourselves.

Many people struggle to trust their own thoughts, feelings, intuition, or insights. Sometimes this is because they have learned to judge themselves harshly whenever they make a mistake. They create an internal environment that feels unsafe.

Authentic Evolution Requires Trust

If every error becomes evidence of failure, learning becomes difficult. If mistakes are viewed as opportunities to learn, exploration becomes possible. The inner environment becomes safer, and trust in oneself begins to grow.

As I reflect on safety, I am increasingly convinced that it serves as a foundation for authenticity.

People reveal themselves to the degree that they feel safe enough to do so.

• They share their hopes.

• They express their fears.

• They communicate their needs.

• They establish boundaries.

• They allow themselves to be seen.

Authenticity always involves some degree of risk. Yet without sufficient safety, most people will choose protection over openness. The choice is understandable. It is also limiting.

The irony is that authentic expression is often one of the very things that creates greater safety. When one person speaks honestly and another responds with respect, both trust and safety deepen. The relationship becomes stronger, more resilient, and more alive.

In the presence of trust and the feeling of safety that it is built upon, the relationship becomes stronger, more resilient, and more alive.

Many relationships survive for years without much aliveness. They become functional, predictable, and carefully managed. People learn how to avoid upsetting one another. Difficult conversations remain untouched. Important truths stay unspoken.

The relationship may continue, yet something vital is missing: its Aliveness.

Aliveness emerges when people feel safe enough to bring their full presence into the relationship. Their curiosity. Their humor. Their dreams. Their uncertainty. Their grief. Their growth.

This is why the feeling of safety matters so much. Safety is not merely protection from harm. It is the bedrock condition that allows life to emerge.

Where safety is present, trust can grow. Where trust grows, authenticity becomes possible.

Where authenticity becomes possible, relationships become more fully alive.

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The award-winning Spirit Paths: The Quest for Authenticity, by Gerry C Starnes, offers more insights about the Journey of Personal Evolution.
www.SpiritPathsBook.com

Contributing Editor: Stephanie Reynolds, Ph.D.

Image credits: (top) Ivan S; (middle, bottom) Cottonbro Studio.

Thanks for listening.

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Original article: In Search of Alive Relationships

The relative rarity of successful, growth-oriented relationships is among the things that make them special.

In fact, although not overtly, many relationships are built to be short-term, high intensity incubators for personal growth. That kind of intensity burns fast and bright, but cannot be sustained over the long-term. They were not actually supposed to.

Alive Relationships that are capable of succeeding – and possibly thriving in the long term – have three essential elements:

• They are safe enough to allow for vulnerability with each other,

• The partners are willing to engage in uncomfortable topics, and

• The partnership is mutually evolutionary and growth-oriented.

The absence of any one of these three is a highly predictable indicator that the relationship will not sustain over time. It will not be Alive.

The Relationship as a Container For Healing and Growth

As an active part of personal healing and growth, creating and maintaining an Alive Relationship will occasionally become uncomfortable. It is a fact of personal evolution that, when you push into the growth edges of change, the safety of your previous way of being in the world is challenged. Letting go of the relative safety of familiarity can be very uncomfortable, sometimes excruciatingly so.

It makes sense then, to create a safe and supportive an environment in which to intentionally lean into these uncomfortable spaces. Ideally, this would be a fully supportive close relationship – an ongoing partnership in which it is mutually safe to navigate these sometimes stormy waters.

The ideal of mutuality is more important than it might sound. If the relationship develops in such a way that one partner is primarily the supporter of the other, it can become co-dependent very quickly. That is a condition in which the aliveness of the relationship cannot hold. It becomes out of balance and eventually collapses.

Alive Relationships require fully and mutually supportive conditions in which all partners involved can heal and grow. Over time, this kind of relationship can deepen into something extraordinary. However, the three elements need to be present and in balance over time in order to create and maintain the container in which to thrive.

Safe To Be Vulnerable

The feeling of safety is dependent on the ability of each partner to rely on – to trust – the other. Safety and acceptance are not negotiated or negotiable aspects of relationship. They are earned.

Feeling safe is one of three basic human needs. And yet, the feeling of safety alone is not one of the defining elements of the aliveness of the relationship. It is not defining, though it is necessary.

Everyone agrees that Audrey and Tim have a wonderful relationship. They are considerate, spend lots of quality time together, and openly enjoy each other’s company. They are easily affectionate, even in public, and are careful about supporting and caring for each other. In that regard, they both eagerly learn and practice ways to improve their communication and listening skills.

And yet, Audrey feels that something is ‘off,’ though she cannot put her finger on what that might be. Furthermore, she finds it difficult to talk to Tim about her discomfort until she has a better idea of what the feeling is about. Since she can’t describe it, she is concerned that he will misunderstand and perhaps think that she is hiding something, or that he might think less of her for some reason.

She trusts Tim, but doesn’t feel that discussing such a vague notion is worth the potential exposure or risk.

It is important to be able to be vulnerable in the relationship, to be able to take a chance on not being completely understood or accepted. It is certainly okay to hold back, assess, gauge, and even doubt the safety of expressing vulnerability. In fact, feeling safe without any doubt is arguably naïve. Nonetheless, feeling that vulnerability is ultimately not safe suggests that the aliveness of the relationship can only develop to a certain point and likely no further without being addressed.

Willing To Engage In Uncomfortable Topics

Not only is it necessary to feel safe enough to be vulnerable, the partners need to be willing to take the next important steps. They need to be willing to lean into and engage in exploring topics and situations that make them uncomfortable. They need to be willing to take a chance, to be willing to push into the boundaries of “safe and comfortable” in order to encourage change.

In order to last longer-term, the relationship needs to be flexible enough to accommodate change, and the only way to ensure that is to feel sufficiently safe – and willing – to engage in topics that are uncomfortable for one or all of the partners.

A few weeks later, Audrey continues to have the same vague discomfort about the relationship. Something still feels “off” even though she has been unable to identify what it might be. She does realize, though, that the feeling is neither going away nor getting worse. Still, it remains in the background of her feelings about Tim or the relationship, and she is both unable to dismiss it or to discuss it without more clarity.

One afternoon, Tim’s phone rang. He answered the call with a friendly greeting, which soon shifted into a more somber tone – to Audrey, it seemed almost secretive. Then, without explanation, he left the room to continue the discussion privately.

Audrey felt her stomach sink. Tim’s leaving the room for an intense private conversation resonated with the sense that something in the relationship was missing or out of balance. Suddenly, that feeling had an anchor point. Tim was hiding something. She struggled not to make up a story about what it might be, yet even so, the feeling of betrayal was real.

Everyone has the right to privacy and to hold secrets that they are not required to expose for the sake of the relationship. Personal agency is fundamental in human relations, and a cornerstone of trust in committed relationships. Being able to be vulnerable does not require anyone to provide unfettered access to another.

In fact, such a demand cannot be part of a balanced, caring, and living relationship. It is more akin to emotional abuse and mental slavery. However, it is also an example of the kind of topic that is inherently uncomfortable for most partners to discuss. To what extent is the relationship able to manage the issues around personal secrets and how the partners will express their agency in sharing?

The phone call concluded, and Tim eventually returned to the room. He apologized for leaving, though he said nothing about who had called or what they had discussed that seemed to be so distressing.

Audrey sat with her feelings for a while, then decided she needed to do something.

“Tim, we need to talk.”

Evolutionary and Growth-oriented

An underlying understanding exists in successful long-term Alive Relationships, whether overt or implicit, that each of the partners desires and intends to grow and evolve personally, and that the partners agree to participate in that evolution. This shared intention rests upon both the feeling of being safe enough to be vulnerable and capable of leaning into and engaging in uncomfortable topics.

The third element affords an additional quality that distinguishes an Alive Relationship from others: the partnership is an active agent and support for personal growth and development. Again, the intention toward personal growth is most sustainable when in balance.

Tim took a deep breath and acknowledged to himself that he was afraid. Not concerned; he was afraid. For a long moment, he regretted not having said something sooner, but there was nothing to do about that now.

Fortunately, Audrey had easily agreed to Tim’s suggestion to move to the deck for the discussion. They sat side-by-side on the small outdoor couch and sipped wine for a few minutes, each gathering their thoughts.

“I feel like something is out of balance between us lately,” Audrey began. “Honestly, I haven’t brought it up because I have not been able to get a handle on what I was concerned about until this evening. I think something is bothering you. Am I wrong? Help me understand.”

Tim nodded. “Something has been bothering me, and I am sorry that I haven’t said anything earlier. Honestly, I had hoped that things would resolve themselves, but they haven’t. As of tonight, I am not sure they will. But frankly, Audrey, I really cannot say anything about it right now. I made a promise to keep it confidential, and I can’t break that promise. I hope you will understand.”

Audrey was surprised by how quickly she sorted through her thoughts and concerns about whether or not Tim was being honest. He had proven to be trustworthy many times, and his explanation this time felt honest. This time, that was good enough.

She was also pleased that she had resisted the urge to fall back into earlier patterns of creating fear-based disaster stories about what might be going on. She gave herself a quiet pat on the back.

“Next time,” she said, “just let me know. Trust me to trust you.”

Tim smiled, nodded. “I hear you.”

The quality of being evolutionary and growth-oriented does not mean that the partners need to be at the same developmental stage or point of evolution. People develop in different ways, more like waves than a straight line. It means that the partners are actively working toward self-development in the long term. They understand that personal growth happens incrementally and is sometimes uneven.

Creating and nurturing a long-term Alive Relationship is not about competition or comparison. It’s about being committed and available to the best of one’s abilities for themselves and their partners, to the benefit of the evolution of all, whatever the situation.

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The award-winning Spirit Paths: The Quest for Authenticity, by Gerry C Starnes, offers more insights about the Journey of Personal Evolution.
www.SpiritPathsBook.com

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The template of the nature of relationships is established in the first few years of childhood. We learn them from our parents (or other significant caretakers) through modeling and repetition. There is no authorized user manual for relationship creation and maintenance. Simply put, we learn what relationships are like by watching and experiencing them, much like we learn language.

As a child and through my late teens, I had always assumed that relationships would last for a lifetime, mostly because of the teachings of my parents’ religion of choice.

Divorce could result in dire social and spiritual consequences; separation was considered the precursor to divorce. As a result of that scrutiny and social cost, marital separation and divorce in the community were exceedingly rare.

Then, when I left the family and community for college, the dissonance of that history and growing experience in the real world both informed and challenged my foundational views about relationships as a whole.

I became particularly interested in the nature of successful long-term relationships. What makes some intimate relationships sustain over time; and what is the nature of those that do not?

At the top-most level, it appears that the ways in which partners work together – how they share their lives, resources, and passions – form the current standard for evaluating whether they are capable of holding together successfully over time.

It’s more than that, though. Even “working” relationships are not guaranteed to sustain longer term. Some relationships that begin strong, fade over time, while others do not. Why?

Is there a characteristic or quality of relationship that seems to best contribute to long-term success? What is that quality, that essential glue?

Beyond Success or Failure: Something New

A previous article, Three Keys to Successful Long-term Relationships, suggests that relationships need three qualities: they have to be flexible enough to accommodate change; the partners need to be willing to let go if necessary; and the partners need to like each other. Those are the fundamentals; without them, the relationship has only a fair chance of success over time.

I can say truthfully that my relationship with my life partner included all of these and spanned just more than 50 years. Even so, relationships that have these three keys are still not guaranteed to last.

You have likely known at least one relationship that appeared to have these qualities, and yet, something ineffable seemed “off” about it. Perhaps, it is a feeling of misalignment or something that doesn’t quite make sense about it. It just doesn’t click; the vibe is missing – something is amiss that you simply could not put your finger on.

What is that indescribable, inexpressible thing?

That thing is its Aliveness.
In any relationship, there is always a dynamic of the connection between the partners – a “+1” to be considered. That is the relationship itself.

The nature and qualities of that third partner incorporate the beliefs and assumptions of the primary partners, but this co-partner has its own view of reality that is greater than their sum. It includes the potential of the partnership.

In a way, it is an existential amalgam of the combined hopes, dreams, ambitions, and essential spirit of the partnership writ large and projected into the future.

This third partner is or reflects the soul of the partnership – its essence. And that essence is the key to the aliveness of the relationship.

The long-term success or failure does not rest ultimately on what the primary partners do or how they interact with each other. The key is the heart of the relationship itself that produces the vibe that can be felt by others.

On reflection, you will probably identify some relationships that can be described functionally, if not spiritually, as being on life support or perhaps even dead. Others feel full of energy, vitality, liveliness, spirit, and more. They feel alive.

Nurturing the Relationship Partner

The foundation of relationships is communication. The nature of that communication speaks to its quality and character. This is no less true in regard to the relationship partner – its aliveness, its Soul.

This invisible energy can be regarded as a living and active member of the partnership. After all, that energetic aspect can be sensed, though unseen, and is an essential component of the complex of connection among all of the partners in any group.

As such, it too needs to be nourished, nurtured, and included in the family. Too long ignored, it begins to fade. And that is a reflection of the relationship as a whole.

Consider these questions as you feel your way into how alive you and your current most significant relationship are:

• What would it be like to invite this “+1” partner to take an active role in the nurturing and evolution of this relationship?

• What would that look like?

• What would that change in how you think, behave, plan… if anything?

Give it some thought and let me know how it goes.

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In Search of Alive Relationship is an exploration of the nature and qualities of long-term relationships. Thank you for following along.

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The award-winning Spirit Paths: The Quest for Authenticity, by Gerry C Starnes, offers more insights about the Journey of Personal Evolution.
www.SpiritPathsBook.com

Contributing Editor: Stephanie Reynolds, Ph.D.

Image credits: (top) Pavel Danilyuk, Belarus; (center) Mikhail Nilov, Los Angeles, CA; (bottom) John Taran, California.

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Eventually though, in order to forge our own life path and pursue the freedom of personal individuality, we transcend the limitations of our original family of origin and have to leave it in order to grow. We have to find a new Tribe – our family of choice.

If you were going to choose your Tribe – your family of choice and extended relations – what individual or group characteristics would you prioritize? What kind of relationships do you want, and what might be the qualities that define it?

Fundamental Qualities: Safe, Willing, Evolutionary

Healthy and alive relationships depend upon a container that supports partnership, allows for change, and is fundamentally safe.

Clearly, the most crucial quality of a working relationship is an essential sense of safety. Unless you feel safe in any situation – including in relationships – nothing else really matters. It is the first and most urgent instinct of newborns, forming an imprint on your core nervous system that persists throughout your life. So, unless the relationship feels safe, it cannot sustain for long.

Further, the fundamental purpose of forming relationships, aside from providing a safe and supportive container, is to facilitate change. By definition, any relationship that does not change is functionally dead. The question is whether the partners are in alignment as to what the relationship evolves into – how it changes and in what aspects.

Any vision of a true partnership also implies that those involved are willing to participate in creating and nurturing it, including those who form and support it.

Five Qualities To Look For In Choosing Your Tribe

Finding people who you consider part of your core community is not an intellectual exercise. Your first encounter with the people who show up in your life will be a matter of affinity – a sense of whether you might like to be with them, whether you might trust them.

Your first impressions will be matters of instinct guided by your heart, and those initial impressions are important. Yet, you may already know that people who feel trustworthy and safe, may not offer the best fit in your new Tribe long-term.

You probably already know, as well, that even though people may check all the boxes for what you think you are looking for, you may find that the relationship simply doesn’t work emotionally or in that special intuitive sense called vibe. They don’t feel compatible, or perhaps you just don’t like being with them.

It is best if your heart and you mind agree. So, while not being a checklist, here are some qualities to which you might pay particular attention.

Equality
The idea of long-term relationships generally involves an awareness that all of the partners involved have an equal status. At the very least, the power dynamics need to be clear, understood, agreed to, and negotiable when the relationship changes.

As an example in this regard, consider that consensus is preferable to compromise. Compromise often means that someone gives up at least some portion of what they want in order to move the relationship forward. Essentially, someone loses while someone else wins.

Achieving consensus, on the other hand, can allow for maximizing the outcome for everyone. Consensus-based problem solving is neither simple nor easy. And yet, it is worthy and ambitious goal of equal partnership.

Even so, the characteristic of equality is not about power dynamics only. Equality is a sense that all of the partners in the relationship hold each other as equals in every sense. That quality can be observed in communication, shared responsibilities, and mutual respect.

Trust-worthiness
The people you want in your tribe need to be worthy of the trust that you place with them. Remember that trust is earned; it is not given. Consider those times in which you may have given your trust too quickly, without any sense of doubt. Whether the results were as expected or not, you were then most vulnerable to deceit or betrayal.

Trust absent of doubt is an illusion. In fact, authentic trust is born only from life experiences in which doubt was present. <see a related article>

It is wise to hold a sense of doubt before giving fully into trusting anyone, especially as you build your family of choice, your Tribe. It is important that partners know that they can essentially trust each other. And the only way to develop that level of trust is over time and with awareness of what might happen if that trust is betrayed.

Can trust be regained once broken? The answer to that question often depends upon the level of trust one has already earned. Mistakes and errors are likely, if not inevitable over time. So, it is important that the foundation for trust has been firmly established and ultimately reliable.

Consistency
You may know some people that seem different each time you see them – sometimes unquestionably supportive, sometimes surprisingly dismissive or challenging. They are “predictably unpredictable.” While this is often written off as a quaint, perhaps quirky aspect of personality, ultimately such inconsistency will likely become exhausting.

Of equal importance is that they “show up” consistently, as themselves, no matter what the arena. This characteristic is strongly linked to authenticity – the core of who they are is not dependent upon circumstance or current conditions. They are reliable; you can count on them.

Shared Vision
The more you have in common, in terms of vision of who you are and who you are becoming, the better the fit that person is to your personal evolution. This includes, by the way, who you are becoming together.

That is not to say you will always agree. It is also important that you have disagreements, that you challenge each other when there are differences of opinion or when perceptions are not in alignment. That is an important way that relationships within the Tribe grow and evolve.

Even though you are holding to a shared vision, there are many ways to travel with the same destination. Disagreements about “how to get there” are very different from disagreements about where you are going.

Honesty
There are very few things that will kill a relationship more predictably than dishonesty. In the same way, honesty has the potential to support healing and even repair some of the most damaging of injuries.

Being honest in relationships sometimes requires the same courage that it takes to be willing to let go of the relationship if necessary. Being honest in some cases may put everything on the line.

Still, not being able to be honest in such situations is likely an early sign that the relationship would not survive long-term anyway. Eventually, untold truths and secrets have a corrosive effect that will erode everything else.

Toxic honesty. It is important also to be aware that honesty can be used brutally, often as leverage in a “power over” relationship. “I’m only speaking the truth!” can be used aggressively, as a weapon – sometimes unconsciously – to exact revenge, to create chaos, or to inflict emotional harm.

This circles back to the need to be careful who you trust. Someone who is worthy of trust will be able to understand what they may have inadvertently done and be willing to work to make amends. Doing so can be yet another sign of their trustworthiness.

The care and attention that you put into the creation and nurturing of your family of choice – your chosen Tribe – is worth the investment. The journey of personal evolution often requires a strong and resilient support system.

You will find that being part of someone else’s Tribe is also well worth the love you put into it.

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Trust is strongly aligned with feeling safe with someone or in some circumstance or context. It is an illusion to believe that if you truly trusted someone, you would have no doubt about them whatsoever. In fact, the assertion by anyone that, if you really trusted them, you would not doubt their intentions or motivations is manipulative.

There is no reason that anyone who is trust-worthy would assert that their motives and actions are beyond scrutiny. Red flags should be flying if anyone insists that, if you truly trusted them, you would have no doubts about what they do or say. And if you do, then the problem is that you actually do not trust them as much as you should.

That is called gaslighting.

On the other hand, a healthy degree of doubt about a person, who then keeps their promises and proves that they are worthy of trust, strengthens evidence of their trustworthiness. Trust is earned by dispelling doubt with action, perhaps especially in difficult times. Absent doubt, there is no qualifying measure.

Trust is earned; it is not given.

When you are in relationship with someone, you might find that your interests and priorities are naturally and often spontaneously aligned. This is sometimes referred to as having an affinity between you. You simply like each other.

Affinity often appears in trivial things, such as shared hobbies, or preferences in movies or music or art, or sense of humor. The range of shared interests can be small or vast; and the more such similarities you find, the more you might notice yourself attracted to the person. That is natural, of course. They are fun to be with.

It can also be a manipulative strategy – either overt or covert – by the other person, which is a reason to pair your sense of affinity with a proven ability to trust the person. It also supports the caution that some doubt is beneficial in trusting relationships.

Have you fallen in love with someone who seemed to have so many interests and priorities in common with you, yet who later turned out not to be as aligned with you as you thought they were? It is likely that the more time you spent with them, the more you could experience a fuller range of their actions and beliefs.

This may appear particularly in situations in which partners decide to cohabitate. Living together affords the opportunity to experience the other directly and in an ongoing way different from occasional dating in ideal circumstances.

Such results do not mean that the relationship cannot or will not work. They do, however, suggest areas of the relationship that are ripe for discussion and further evaluation.

Remember that as a human being, you filter perception through a system of beliefs, desires, and past experiences. Everything is filtered. Sometimes, you see what you want to see; you feel what you long to feel.

Having a healthy filter of doubt – or caution – can help navigate the pitfalls inherent in that system of filters. You become less vulnerable and more aware of the influences that surround you. Some are aligned with your best interest, and some are not.

Can Trust Be Regained?

Three keys to the success of long-term, alive relationships are: that the relationship needs the flexibility to expand and contract – it needs to be able to breathe; that each partner needs to be able to let go of the relationship; and that the partners need to like each other. While we addressed these three keys in more detail a few months ago, the question about whether trust – once compromised or lost – can be regained is an important aspect of the qualities of trust and affinity.

Simply put, if trust in the relationship has been compromised and the relationship cannot be flexible enough to stretch into understanding, that may signal that more than the event or choice challenging the trust lies underneath. The question of being willing to let go of expectations may also play a role in answering the question.

Every relationship is going to face challenges. If it does not, then it is not growing and so is functionally “dead” according to this viewpoint. Fundamentally, the purpose of alive relationships is to grow. If the relationship is fixed and unchangeable, though perhaps comfortable, it is no longer viable as a container or incubator for personal development. Which is fine, though that takes the nature and purpose of the relationship into a realm outside of the scope of this viewpoint.

The question of whether trust can be regained once compromised or broken fundamentally comes down to the core intentions and expectations of the partners involved:

• Do they fundamentally like each other enough to accommodate change?

• Do they want the wound to be addressed and perhaps healed?

• What is the essential nature of the connection of the partners?

• Do they want the relationship to survive and continue?

• Is there enough “juice” available in the relationship to support the quality of the evolution needed?

These are truly central considerations, and the answers to these questions may well point to how the foundation of the relationship has been laid and what its essential nature might actually, currently be. Remember that everything changes, and the needs, desires, goals, and intentions of the partners in an alive relationship are no different. The existential consideration is around whether or not the partnership is still viable, still meets the evolution of the needs of the partners… is it still alive enough to survive the effort needed to mend it?

Please be clear that, while these questions and considerations are described as though they were intellectual, they are not. The entirety of the nature of alive relationships is that they are feeling-based rather than calculated. Even so, the evaluation of the feelings involved need to be clear-eyed. Remember that trust absent of doubt is an illusion.

Among the benefits of having a questioning lens is that when you do find relationships that are proven trustworthy, as well as have an inherent affinity that aligns with your core values, you have discovered a priceless gem.

In the end, the desired outcome of your search for a meaningful, valuable relationship is a condition in which all partners are in their personal integrity while also contributing to the aliveness of the relationship.

That is a relationship that is truly worth diving into. And perhaps worth saving.

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Holding yourself accountable for your own actions means that you yourself accept responsibility for those actions. It means that you are willing to be responsive to your partners; it does not mean that you need to or should explain your decisions or your actions to them. You are only required or expected to justify your behavior to yourself in that relationship contract, not to anyone else.

That said, when you make a promise to your partner, you accept the responsibility to do what you agree to. You have a responsibility to them to fulfill your promise. That is you being responsible for your agreements and holding yourself accountable for your actions. What you do about that accountability is up to you.

A Balance of Power

A healthy and alive relationship does not require you to explain yourself. Such a demand takes away power. When a partner demands that you explain yourself, they are moving to a power-over position that is dangerous to a healthy, alive relationship. There are emotional and energetic costs to that kind of situation.

However, your personal integrity may include voluntarily expressing your acceptance of accountability for your choices. You can “own up” to your own decisions and choices. Doing so strengthens the relationship and allows for healing. Responding to a demand to do so does not.

Likewise, you are not required to explain your partner’s decisions or actions to anyone, including you. How they hold their responsibility and accountability is up to them to do or not do – they are responsible and accountable for them, not you. It is not part of your job to explain to yourself or others why they might not be living up to their agreements.

They are responsible and accountable for their own actions.

Simple enough, right?

Yet, when you care about someone, to let them be responsible for their agreements and hold themselves accountable for their actions if the agreements are not met can be difficult. To do otherwise, to explain away their responsibility, takes away their power and is a form of emotional slavery.

A Matter of Trust

The need to explain or justify or in some way excuse the decisions or actions of your partners demonstrates your inability to trust that they can manage the outcomes of their decisions. It reveals that, in some way, you believe that their ability to do so is inferior to your own. In effect, such “taking care of” steals their power and self-authority.

You are not free as long as you feel that you are required to be accountable – to explain yourself – to others for your actions or decisions. And they are not free if you require them to explain themselves to you.

Needing to justify yourself or your actions to others – or requiring others to justify themselves to you – leans heavily toward control. If you believe that you must justify your choices or decisions to your partners, you will eventually also need to address the degree of freedom and trust you enjoy in that relationship.

In a healthy and balanced relationship, everyone involved is trusted to make their own decisions and take their own actions, and to hold themselves accountable and responsible for such.

An Honesty of Caring

In order to do so in your own relationships, it serves to be open to the honest thoughts of your partners and willing to accept what they have to share as part of your decision process. This, in turn, necessitates the freedom within the relationship to express one’s truth about something or someone that might have a bearing or influence on the decision.

Being responsible to one another requires the core quality of caring for the whole of the others’ well-being. It requires the mutual trust that such care-holding engenders. This in turn requires that all those in relationship to one another know that the perception of events and situations may differ.

In the final analysis, your decision is yours to make and the results are yours to accept. This is also true for everyone in the relationship. Each is responsible – and accountable – for their own actions and results.

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I want to be clear that I am not speaking exclusively about intimate or committed relationships. Instead, I am referring to a larger context of relationships that includes a broader range, such as: committed companions, friendships, siblings, families, work-oriented relations, and many more.

Let's take a look at three keys to successful long-term relationships, but first there is one concept that I would like to introduce. Your relationship template.

Your Relationship Template

Fundamentally, you learn what relationships are and how they work primarily from your parents. As you grow up, you watch what they do and how they interact together. From these observations, you draw conclusions about relationships in general, and these conclusions form a matrix of behaviors and beliefs that eventually becomes your relationship template.

That is, the template that you carry with you into your own relationships as “how relationships ARE.”

Everyone has one. Even if you had only one parent – or no engaged parents – you have the idea of how relationships ARE that you learned as a child. (Notice that I did not say “ought to be.” Your template is reality for you, not conjecture.)

One fundamental complication that I see over and over again is that relationships get challenged because the templates of the people involved clash. They simply, fundamentally, and subconsciously disagree about what relationships are and how they work.

Many times, people have trouble in relationships simply because their learned, subconscious template does not match that of their partner. Because these templates form key assumptions about how relationships ARE, they are rarely examined to see if they are actually true. And therein lies the problem.

Until the partners realize that they are not the ones clashing – that it is their assumptions about relationships in general that are in conflict – they keep arguing and blaming until the relationship is crushed.

So, step one in maintaining long-term relationships is to examine and understand the assumptions you are making about relationships based on your own template. If both partners do this, they have a chance to create a new, hybrid template that might serve them much better.

With that in mind, let's move on to three keys of maintaining relationships.

You Have To Be Flexible

The relationship has to be flexible enough to accommodate change. Everyone changes over time. Everyone. So the relationship has to be able to expand and contract to handle that change.

You will grow apart, sometimes greatly, and you will come back together. It’s quite like breathing. The relationship has to have room to breathe. If it doesn’t – if one partner tries to hold fast to “how it is supposed to be” – then it will be stifled. If it can't breathe, then it will die.

People are always evolving, perhaps particularly those on a path of personal growth. The pace of change can be uneven and partners can become separated. Over time, it may be that they become so distant from each other that coming back together can become difficult or impossible.

Interests may diverge so far that there is no center of gravity to pull the boundary of the relationship back, to inhale. If the relationship cannot inhale as well as exhale, it can be considered on life support. Then it is time to honestly reflect and reevaluate the core of the relationship and whether it can continue.

Sometimes such flexibility can be scary, but it is worth it over time. Healthy and strong relationships are flexible enough to survive and thrive well into the future.

You Have To Be Willing To Let Go

Being willing to let go doesn't mean that when times get tough you have to let go, to bail when things go wrong. It means that you have to be willing to let go. Just as if you hold too strongly to “how things should be,” the need to hold on to your partner may eventually strangle the relationship.

Consider that a relationship is essentially alive or dead. What happens when you try to hold too tightly to an animal, perhaps even your pet? Its instinct is to fight, to escape. Only when you do not hold too tightly or too insistently, can you hope to continue the relationship.

If you find yourself getting “clingy,” it's time to take a step back and reevaluate whether you might be creating the problems you are wanting to avoid. If you are feeling desperate to hold onto your partner, odds are very good that you are strangling the relationship.

Instead, remind yourself when times are difficult that it is OK to let go if things don’t work out. Just giving yourself permission to let go if necessary to ensure your own and your partner’s happiness might be enough to release the tension.

When you are willing to let go, the relationship can breathe. Then it may have room to grow stronger, more intimate, and more rewarding.

You Have To Like Each Other

Love is not the key factor in maintaining long-term relationships. You probably know many people who genuinely love each other, but simply cannot get along. When I ask clients who are seeking assistance with what appears to be a failing relationship whether they like their partner, sometimes it takes a while for them to say. And sometimes, the answer is “not really.”

I'm not referring here to the reality that you might “love the person but just don't like them right now.” That happens all of the time. One partner might do something that annoys the other, so that they don't “like” each other in the moment. Eventually, things get settled out and they are good again.

The quality of “like” I'm referring to is closer to that of best friends. If you are not best friends with your partner, it could be that you don’t really like each other – perhaps not enough to keep the relationship together long term.

If you don't basically and fundamentally like each other, it is difficult to really trust each other either.

Being good, close, or best friends is intrinsically connected to trust, and trust is the bedrock of successful long-term relationships. Once trust is lost, the relationship is functionally dead. If trust cannot be regained – and I would argue that the best, if not only, way to regain trust is if you like each other enough to be willing and able to truly forgive because of that – the relationship is in trouble.

These three keys do not all have to be in place all of the time for the relationship to be successful. Rather, they offer excellent ways to examine and evaluate what might be going well or badly in your relationships with others.

Again, the examples I use here may seem to refer to one-to-one committed partnerships because that is the easiest way to talk about them. However, if you think about all of the relationships you have in other arenas more broadly and apply the keys to them as well, you may find that they can help you decide which relationships are likely to succeed over time, and perhaps those you might want to let go.

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The intention for this publication is to provide support for people seeking to navigate the tumultuous currents of our prevalent social, political, and cultural experience. In doing so, it is our desire to foster a deeper and more authentic connection and expression of who we are and choose to be.

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Image credits: (Top) Fernanda Pereira, Brazil; (Bottom) RDNE Stock project.

Learn more about creating and maintaining alive relationships in the award-winning book Spirit Paths: The Quest for Authenticity. Available in print, Kindle, and audio editions.
www.SpiritPathsBook.com