Long Silences
There is an argument to be made that silence is a key requirement in healthy, alive, and authentic relationships. A core element is how safe each partner feels in the relationship.
It’s completely healthy in authentic relationship to go for long periods of time with little or no talking between partners. In fact, there is an argument to be made that silence is a key requirement in creating and supporting them.
For the most part, many people who are uncomfortable with long silences are uncomfortable because long silences are spaces in which unclear communication can foster assumptions.
Central to managing long silences is how the relationship structures around them have been laid. The “emptiness” that is sometimes felt during lengthy periods of silence can easily be filled with assumptions about why one partner has become quiet or stopped interacting.
Communication and dialog both before and after these periods are key. It is important to be open about the need for a period of silence and internal reflection. This kind of spiritual work requires a foundation of care and integrity.
Feeling Safe
A most fundamental element in any relationship and communication within it is how safe each partner feels in the relationship. When there is trust and clarity, lengthy periods of silence – even hours or days – do not seem as confusing or threatening, and there is little need for making assumptions.
Remember that the sense of safety is fundamental to trust, and that trust is earned. It is not given. In many ways, earning trust is ongoing in alive relationships. They thrive when everyone is actively behaving in ways that are trust-worthy as much of the time as possible.
Feeling Heard
Also central to that capacity of freedom and safety is that you feel genuinely heard in other significant aspects of the relationship. When you feel heard, you also feel a part of the deepening and expansion of the aliveness of the relationship; when you do not feel heard, you may feel invisible or powerless.
And when you or any of your partners is not heard, the relationship can no longer be considered alive. It may be on life support, but it is not functionally alive.
However, when you do feel genuinely heard, you become an active part of whatever the relationship is growing into. This is one of the reasons that relationships take consistent work and care. Feeling safe and feeling heard are fundamental to most, if not all, conditions of any healthy relationship.
What To Do When You Are Uncomfortable
If you find that you are uncomfortable in the spaces when your partner is silent, consider that discomfort to be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, rather that a challenge to it. Take some time to check into some of the assumptions you might be making about your relationships. Ask yourself these questions; try to be specific:
Where in your body do you feel the discomfort?
What are the thoughts that arise when you begin to feel uncomfortable?
Is there a particular ‘trigger’ thought, or action that sets the discomfort in motion – that leads to you the concern about the relationship?
What might these thoughts suggest about your relationship beliefs?
What might you be afraid of?
Gather as much information as you can to determine what your body and thoughts are suggesting. Then see if there is something you might need to do or know in order to adjust your beliefs or expectations.
Offering Silent Space As A Gift
Having the time and space to freely rest into your personal inner journey uninterrupted and with the unconditional support of your partners is an invaluable gift. It is a blessing that you offer to your partners, and it is also a gift that they can offer you when you need it.
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The intention for this publication is to provide support for people seeking to navigate the tumultuous currents of our prevalent social, political, and cultural experience. In doing so, it is our desire to foster a deeper and more authentic connection and expression of who we are and choose to be.
The award-winning Spirit Paths: The Quest for Authenticity, by Gerry C Starnes, offers more insights about the Journey of Personal Evolution.
www.SpiritPathsBook.com
Image credit: Fernando Cortes