The Grief That Binds Us

The only way out is through. The only way through is to go deep. Grief is a thread that runs through everything. And it binds us when we turn away.

Grief is not truly an emotion. It is a complex of feeling states – profound sadness, longing, rage, hopelessness, emptiness, appreciation, terror, empathy, despair, hope, agony, pervasive anxiety, bliss, and more.

Grief does not flow along any predictable arc from denial to acceptance. The five stages are not real; they are simply a way of describing the spiral in order to have any hope of communicating the experience.

Love is the same. It is a complex of feeling states that are sometimes aligned, sometimes at odds, sometimes at war with themselves. Seen from the outside, both love and grief show the same faces. They are expressions of something deep and profound – something both wonderful and terrifying, full of joy, longing, desperation, hope, and fear.

So, what is the difference? Loss. An irretrievable, often unfair and unexpected, ripping away of what was true and alive leaves a vacuum, a hole that feels bottomless.

What remains is a patchwork of memories. Many of them are true and accurate; some of them are deeply held fantasies. Yet, all of them thrust at the heart.

Loss.

What was – even as fantasy and dream – is no more. Forever.

Being Not-Alone

One way of addressing grief is as something to be endured until it passes. The effect of doing so is that it locks the grief into the body. It becomes another kind of muscle memory by which you learn to address all forms of loss.

Enduring grief becomes an on-going curse that builds up over time until it, in all of its forms, becomes bound and locked in the body and memory.

Grief will not, cannot, be ignored forever.

Some aspects of the journey of personal evolution can be met alone or in solitude. This is not one of them. Loss and grief are a crucible. Who we are when we enter will be different from who we are when we emerge.

A more effective and healthy way to address deep loss is by sharing the grief journey as you move through it. It is by leaning into the support of trusted community.

Everyone has experienced loss, and so everyone has experienced grief. That shared experience – no matter how different the encounter or its cause might be – is a part of what connects us to our humanness, to each other in a very deep and very real way.

The way we encounter grief, how we face and ultimately submit to it, exposes our most human vulnerabilities. Moving toward a reconciliation of loss reveals some of the most deeply held fears and weaknesses. That degree of exposure and vulnerability can be more than uncomfortable – it can be terrifying.

In many ways, that level of exposure presents an existential risk. And the container for holding that risk needs to be very strong, very accepting, and very safe.

I carry an image in my mind’s eye of standing at the precipice of a performance platform, facing away from the audience, looking toward an open and empty stage. I spread my arms wide, head tilted back, absorbed for a long moment in the blackness of the ceiling and darkened stage lights looming overhead.

In a long breathless moment, I let go the script, lean backward and begin a long, inevitable fall. In the last instant, I wonder: “Will anyone be there to catch me?”

No article, book, or manual can teach us how to be with grief. Like many things human, the intellect cannot fully inform or prepare for the direct experience of it. It is only by bearing witness to it and by being with it that grief can be known.

Witnessing the loss and grief of others can show us the strength and depth of our connections in a way that nothing else can, not even love. Our ability to be witness to and hold the full expression of that most human exposure for others bears witness and holds our own at the same time.

By being present for others, we stand present for ourselves.

Becoming Phoenix

When the wave passes and the fires have burned themselves to ash and smoke, when the pain of loss has found its place in body, mind, and soul, there is room for building. Not quickly, not reflexively, but mindfully and more fully informed. Loss affords the blessing of new beginnings.

Among the first realizations is that what is most missing, most lost, most mourned is the dream of the future you were building into. Who you were hoping to become, the plans and expectations of how the future would unfold, have simply fallen away.

Another awareness is that you have changed. No one walks away from deep loss the same as before. When you have an encounter with power and you lose, it is as though some part of who you were gets cracked, broken, and sometimes even split away.

Be patient. Be gentle with yourself. These adjustments and this healing work takes time. It does no good to try to rush to the end, to recreate your life and find a new direction. It is like building a foundation on sand.

Remember, grief will not, cannot be ignored. It always claims its due in the end. There is no getting around grief; the body keeps the score.

Re-membering: Weaving A New Dream

Grief reminds us of our humanness and our connection to others. It is a thread that binds us all together, and yet can keep us bound to a past that no longer exists.

What has been lost cannot be replaced. Grief is never completed; it can only be integrated into a new dream of the future. It must be woven into the fabric of what is emerging.

The new tapestry is woven together day by day – one inspiration, one spark, one false step, one success at a time. Feeling lost is normal; disappointment is a signpost; false starts lead to re-visioning; choosing the disharmonious tone points toward an awareness of the chord that is more fitting. Longing is real.

Some of the parts of who you were fell away because they did not fit. Others need to be found and re-membered. What is needed in order to build a new dream is to find them and take the next best step to becoming who you really are.

Know that all of these efforts create a new version of the life you were dreaming into. Everything has changed; yet, at its core, little has shifted. In your heart, in your essence, you are the same you that you have always been.

Know that Grief need not be an antagonist. Grief can be there with you if you find peace with it, co-weaving a new, most beautiful tapestry of the future you are now dreaming into.

Question for consideration: Where might you be bound in grief to an old version of who you were? How can the new vision honor that which you have loved and lost?

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The award-winning Spirit Paths: The Quest for Authenticity, by Gerry C Starnes, offers more insights about the Journey of Personal Evolution.
www.SpiritPathsBook.com

Contributing Editor: Stephanie Reynolds, Ph.D.

Image credits: (top) RDNE Stock project, Los Angeles, USA; (bottom) Ron Lach.